On Learning to Trust Doubt v11

Steven Bassett

Bro. Gentry

Eng 106

25 May 2019

On Learning to Trust in Doubt

Is it wrong to doubt or question gospel doctrines, or is it a normal part of developing a testimony?

I have learned that doubt is an essential part of the learning process.  We must confront what our parents and teachers have taught us.  A number of years ago I created a motto for myself; “Real growth comes in the margins, with rising levels of uncertainty’”. We must be willing to evaluate their truth claims if only to correct their incomplete understanding.  "I think it’s much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong."  (Feynman, p24)

I have been instructed since my youth to bear testimony of the certainty of the restoration, that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that God’s prophet leads the church today. I myself have born this testimony many times from the pulpit. This testimony was a good first step.  The first step in pedagogy is an imitation.  In the long run, imitation will not sustain truth exploration or increase our faith and reliance on God.

 In an essay, Levi Petersen speaks of losing his testimony.  He loses it when he is confronted by the Christianity of a Jehovah's Witness.  He had been raised to believe that The Latter-Day Saint Church has a monopoly on truth.  In the essay, he speaks of seeking the remainder of his life to returning to this level of certainty.  " If I differ from the typical Latter-day Saint, it is because my anxiety is focused not upon whether my immortal soul may suffer damnation but upon whether I have an immortal soul." (Petersen,19) With this level of uncertainty, Levi has learned to see the essential question of the immortality of his very soul.

Levi Peterson's wife was a non-Mormon.  She asks him to raise their daughter in the LDS Church because his church was as good as any other, maybe a little better.  She had the faith to believe the doctrines of the Church would be beneficial to their daughter.  She was expressing a faith, if not a belief.   Even in his uncertainty Levi was able to pass his faith in God onto his wife and child.

I myself have experienced this level of angst and uncertainty.  I have studied, and studied, and studied the doctrines of the Church, yet this study brought me no lasting peace and fulfillment.  I remember going out one night and cursing God in my unhappiness.  This certainty has brought me no personal sense of satisfaction.  

There was a payphone that once stood in the Mojave Desert. It was installed in the corner of a crossroad for the convenience of some miners who worked nearby.  In the days before cell phones, phone booths were an essential part of life.  The phone company continued to maintain the phone booth long after the mine closed.  With the invention of the Internet, the world soon learned the number to the phone.  As a prank people would call it just to hear it ring.  Visitors camped near the phone booth just to listen for the ring.  I often thought of this story as I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting.  I wondered if I was the pay phone waiting for a call or was I the one calling the pay phone knowing no one would answer it.  (Mojave Phone Booth,Wikipedia)

I am learning to live with uncertainty.  Do my children love me?  Where do I fit in the lives of my wife and children?  Is God really there and does he answer my prayers?  Have I lived the life God wanted me to live? Who are my large and righteous posterity? How do I hear his voice and follow his ways?

Even as my own level of uncertainty has increased, I have learned to have more faith and trust in God.  I have been led to instruct my children in an unorthodox manner.  I have taught them well The Gospel of Jesus Christ.  They know how to repent, and they know how to forgive and be forgiven.  I am most certain of this.  I see it in their eyes when I see their interactions with each other.  When I see the pictures of my two children and their older brother laughing and having a good time, I know that I have made enough good choices to partially answer these questions. I have no certainty, but I have hope, for now, that is enough.  This uncertainty brings me great joy. 

When I listen to the talks in Sacrament Meeting for intent, not for quality, when I pet my children’s newborn kittens, when I listened to my Dad’s favorite joke for the fourth time yesterday, and three times today, when I am grateful for the life Heavenly Father has led me to create, I know these things are real life.   They bring real joy.

I will never be able to stop thinking about deep thoughts.  My brain is hard-wired to do it.  I can not stop it.  I also know these deep thoughts are not real life.  I am grateful for my wife and children and for them helping me to understand this truth and to live with uncertainty. This increase in uncertainty has to lead me to great faith, and reliance on God.

Feynman, Richard P., and Jeffrey Robbins. The Pleasure of Finding Things Out: The Best Short Works of Richard P. Feynman. Penguin, 2007.

Peterson, Levi S. “A Christian by Yearning.” Sunstone, Sept. 1988.

“Mojave Phone Booth.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 22 Feb. 2019, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mojave_phone_booth.

On learning to trust doubt

On Learning to Trust in Doubt

I believe that doubt is an important part of our growth process and essential to learning about God.

I have been instructed since my youth to bear testimony of the certainty of the restoration.  That Joseph Smith was a prophet and that Gods prophet leads the church today. I myself have born this testimony many times from the pulpit.  I now find this level of certainty brings me no level of happiness or joy.

One of my favorite essays is A Christian by Yearning, by Levi S. Peterson. In the essay, Levi speaks of losing his testimony within weeks of arriving on his mission in France.  He loses it when he is confronted by the Christianity of a Jehovah's Witness.  He had been raised to believe that The Latter-Day Saint Church has a monopoly on truth.  He speaks of spending the remainder of his life trying to recover the certainty of that testimony and failing.

"Today I am a more or less active Mormon. I attend sacrament meeting regularly, I am a home teacher, I am a half-time instructor of my ward high priests’ group. I am uninterested in what I will call secondary theological questions such as the authenticity of the Book of Mormon, the prophetical character of Joseph Smith, and the doctrine of the three degrees of glory. I do not quarrel with those doctrines. If my fellow Mormons consider them important, I too will stand by them, and I will certainly not fail to give them an orthodox cast when I lead discussions in my high priests’ group. But in my private ruminations, I dwell instead upon the more primary matters of the fatherhood of God, the redemptive sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and the immortality of the human soul."   "If I differ from the typical Latter-day Saint, it is because my anxiety is focused not upon whether my immortal soul may suffer damnation but upon whether I have an immortal soul."

I began to feel this angst a number of years ago.  I have studied, and studied, and studied the Doctrines of the Church.  This study brought me no lasting peace and fulfillment.  I remember going out one night and cursing God in my unhappiness.  This certainty has brought me no personal sense of satisfaction.  I had a meeting with the Bishop and expressed my feelings.  He asks me to continue to attend church if only for the benefit of the members of the congregation.  They needed my fellowship.

There was a payphone that once stood in the Mojave Desert it. It was installed in the corner of a crossroad for the convenience of some miners who worked nearby.  In the days before cell phones, phone booths were an essential part of life.  The phone company continued to maintain the phone booth long after the mine closed.  With the invention of the Internet, the world soon learned the number to the phone.  As a prank people would call it just to hear it ring.  Visitors camped near the phone booth just to listen for the ring.  I often thought of this story as I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting.  These thoughts lead me to the creation of this poem.

(714) 733-9969

I lost it today, my religion.

Left long neglected, so long ago.

Like a sign, on a road to nowhere.

Like a phone booth, in middle the desert.

Do I call it, or does it call me?

When I call does it hear me?

Or does it ring, and ring and ring?

Still, I ask, is it the service, or is it me.

Steven Bassett

I am learning to live with uncertainty.  Do my children love me?  Where do I fit in the lives of my wife and children?  Is God really there and does he answer my prayers?  Have I lived the life God wanted me to live? Who are my large and righteous posterity? How do I hear his voice and follow his ways?

Levi Peterson's wife was a non-Mormon.  She asks him to raise their daughter in the LDS Church because his church was as good as any other maybe a little better.  She had the faith to believe The Doctrines of the Church would be beneficial to their daughter.  She was expressing a faith, if not a belief. 

Can I live with the uncertainty of my wife and children’s testimony of The Doctrines of the Church?  Can I overcome the guilt at not helping them to develop a stronger testimony of these doctrines?  Through our experiences helping their older brother to repent of some very serious sins, I have taught them well The Gospel of Jesus Christ.  They know how to repent. They know how to forgive and be forgiven.  I am most certain of this.  I see it in their eyes when I see their interactions with each other.

My children are adopted.  There is a good chance my adoption made their life possible.  When I see the pictures of my two children and their older brother laughing and having a good time, I know that I have made enough good choices to partially answer these questions. I have no certainty, but I have hope, for now, that is enough.  This uncertainty brings me great joy. 

When I listen to the talks in Sacrament Meeting for intent, not for quality, when I pet my children’s newborn kittens, when I listened to my Dad’s favorite joke for the fourth time yesterday, and three times today, when I am grateful for the life Heavenly Father has led me to create, I know these things are real life.   They bring real joy.

I will never be able to stop thinking about deep thoughts.  My brain is hard-wired to do it.  I can not stop it.  I also know these deep thoughts are not real life.  I am grateful for my wife and children and for them helping me to understand this truth and to live with uncertainty.

Eng 106G post

Steven Lynn Bassett
May 25, 2019 May 25 at 8:50pm
An Eternal Quest--
Freedom of the Mind
Hugh B. Brown

"Preserve, then, the freedom of your mind in education and in religion, and be unafraid to express your thoughts and to insist upon your right to examine every proposition. We are not so much concerned with whether your thoughts are orthodox or heterodox as we are that you shall have thoughts. One may memorize much without learning anything. In this age of speed, there seems to be little time for meditation. "

In “An Eternal Quest,” Elder Hugh B. Brown states that “More thinking is the antidote for evils that spring from wrong thinking.” What does Elder Brown mean by this?

This weeks reading brings me to the shame of my post from last weeks lesson. I so wanted to use a word to describe my favorite Christmas Carol, The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams. The song is about two woman pagans in town, celebrating Solstice. In the song, it is inferred that they are lesbians. I was afraid to use this word, in this group, because I wondered how receptive my audience would be to my post if I used it. It is the power of the inference that makes the song special. If two lesbian pagans can choose to celebrate the Solstice with a group of Christian who are decorating a Christmas tree, can we not extend the hand of fellowship to our gay brothers and sisters in this church who are struggling to find a place to fit.

"Amber called her uncle, said "We're up here for the holiday,"
"Jane and I were having Solstice, now we need a place to stay."
"And her Christ-loving uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree,
"He watched his son hang candy canes all made with Red Dye No. 3.
"He told his niece, "Its Christmas Eve, I know our life is not your style, "
"She said, "Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and it been awhile."

I have a gay nephew who struggled to find his way in the church. I finally had to help him to find a congregation that was a better fit. He was going mad trying to be a "good Mormon" knowing that he did not fit the standard model. I wish a way could have been found to help him feel comfortable in an LDS Congregation, at the time I could no see a way to do it, at least not in our local area.

I think Hugh B. Brown would have urged me to help him, find a way, to fit in an LDS congregation. With my then limited knowledge and the freshness of the idea to people in our area, I coped out and sought the easier solution. At least now Elder Browns writing has given me the courage to express how I really feel and to share my thoughts with you. I hope when you are confronted with the same choice you will learn from my experience and find a way to help your Gay, and Lesbian friends, and family to find a way to fit in an LDS Congregation.

Edited by Steven Lynn Bassett on May 25 at 8:52pm

Reply to Comment
Michael Gentry

Thursday May 30 at 1:41pm
Steven,

Thanks for sharing this.  It's deeply personal and has affected you enough to share your thoughts about it.  I appreciate that!

Your post made me consider our potential.  And by "our," I am talking about all people on earth.

C.S. Lewis talks about the fact that all of us have the potential to be Gods and Goddesses.  This alone should dictate and direct much of our critical thinking. 

Let me ask a few questions.  Do you consider the fact that you are a future God/Goddess?  Do you consider the fact that those around have the exact same potential?  How does this change how we treat others?  How does this change how we treat ourselves?

Bro. Gentry

Reply to Comment

Steven Lynn Bassett

Thursday May 30 at 5:39pm

  When I met with my Pathway Missionary couple before this year began,  I told them that my goal when I meet anyone was to ensure there life was better for having met me.  I told my wife when we were dating that I believed firmly in D.C. 121.  I would never drive her only to lead her. 

I know that Talmage, in Jesus the Christ, wrote that the water turned into wine when Christ requested because the elements knew it was in their best interest.  Christ did not force the water to become wine, it changed on his request because it honored him.  Yes, my long term goal is to live as God lives,  to do this I must have his character.  To paraphrase G.K. Chester  "What is wrong with the world. I am what is wrong with the world, my failure to be like Christ."

So to answer your question, when I meet one of my brother and sisters I need to see them as my Heavenly Father sees them, as gods in an embryo.  I must be a patient with myself as I am learning to be patient with others.

I am sorry if my post was too personal.  I tend to overshare when I get going.  I love to think and I love to write.  Most of my friends have learned to love this little quirk in my soul.

Thank You.

Edited by Steven Lynn Bassett on May 30 at 5:42pm

 Reply to Comment

Michael Gentry
Yesterday May 31 at 9:38am
Steven,

I love this post.  Thanks for the intimate details and thoughts.  They are perfect.

That goal, to make everyone you meet better, is so awesome.  When I drop my kids off at school, I always tell them to brighten somebody's day.  You are taking this a step further--changing lives.

You are very articulate, and you are obviously well read and intelligent.  Put those things together and it makes for a great writer.

Keep up the good work.

Bro. G

On Thinking and Heterodoxy

An Eternal Quest--
Freedom of the Mind
Hugh B. Brown

"Preserve, then, the freedom of your mind in education and in religion, and be unafraid to express your thoughts and to insist upon your right to examine every proposition. We are not so much concerned with whether your thoughts are orthodox or heterodox as we are that you shall have thoughts. One may memorize much without learning anything. In this age of speed, there seems to be little time for meditation. "

In “An Eternal Quest,” Elder Hugh B. Brown states that “More thinking is the antidote for evils that spring from wrong thinking.” What does Elder Brown mean by this?

This weeks reading brings me to the shame of my post from last weeks lesson. I so wanted to use a word to describe my favorite Christmas Carol, The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams. The song is about two woman pagans in town, celebrating Solstice. In the song, it is inferred that they are lesbians. I was afraid to use this word, in this group, because I wondered how receptive my audience would be to my post if I used it. It is the power of the inference that makes the song special. If two lesbian pagans can choose to celebrate the Solstice with a group of Christian who are decorating a Christmas tree, can we not extend the hand of fellowship to our gay brothers and sisters in this church who are struggling to find a place to fit.

"Amber called her uncle, said "We're up here for the holiday,
Jane and I were having Solstice, now we need a place to stay.
And her Christ-loving uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree,
He watched his son hang candy canes all made with Red Dye No. 3.
He told his niece, "Its Christmas Eve, I know our life is not your style,
She said, "Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and its been awhile."

I have a gay nephew who struggled to find his way in the church. I finally had to help him to find a congregation that was a better fit. He was going mad trying to be a "good Mormon" knowing that he did not fit the standard model. I wish a way could have been found to help him feel comfortable in an LDS Congregation, at the time I could no see a way to do it, at least not in our local area.

I think Hugh B. Brown would have urged me to help him, find a way, to fit in an LDS congregation. With my then limited knowledge and the freshness of the idea to people in our area, I coped out and sought the easier solution. At least now Elder Browns writing has given me the courage to express how I really feel and to share my thoughts with you. I hope when you are confronted with the same choice you will learn from my experience and find a way to help your Gay, and Lesbian friends, and family to find a way to fit in an LDS Congregation.

On the Power of Doubt

My Belief in Doubt

I believe that doubt is an important part of our growth process and essential to learning more about God.

I have been instructed since my youth to bear testimony of the certainty of the restoration.  That Joseph Smith was a prophet and that Gods prophet leads the church today. I myself have born this testimony many times from the pulpit.  I now find this level of certainty brings me no level of happiness or joy.

One of my favorite essays is A Christian by Yearning, by Levi S. Peterson. In the essay, Levi speaks of losing his testimony within weeks of arriving on his mission in France.  He loses it when he is confronted by the Christianity of a Jehovah's Witness.  He had been raised to believe that Latter-Day Saint church has a monopoly on truth.  He speaks of spending the remainder of his life trying to recover the certainty of that testimony and failing.

"Today I am a more or less active Mormon. I attend sacrament meeting regularly, I am a home teacher, I am a half-time instructor of my ward high priests’ group. I am uninterested in what I will call secondary theological questions such as the authenticity of the Book of Mormon, the prophetical character of Joseph Smith, and the doctrine of the three degrees of glory. I do not quarrel with those doctrines. If my fellow Mormons consider them important, I too will stand by them, and I will certainly not fail to give them an orthodox cast when I lead discussions in my high priests’ group. But in my private ruminations, I dwell instead upon the more primary matters of the fatherhood of God, the redemptive sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and the immortality of the human soul."   "If I differ from the typical Latter-day Saint, it is because my anxiety is focused not upon whether my immortal soul may suffer damnation but upon whether I have an immortal soul."

I began to feel this angst a number of years ago.  I have studied, and studied, and studied the Doctrines of the Church.  This study brought me no lasting peace and fulfillment.  I remember going out one night and cursing God in my unhappiness.  This certainly has brought me no personal sense of satisfaction.  I had a meeting with the Bishop and expressed my feelings.  He asks me to continue to attend church if only because of the members of the congregation.  They needed my fellowship.

(714) 733-9969

I lost it today, my religion.

Left long neglected, so long ago.

like a sign, on a road, to nowhere.

like a phone booth, in the desert.

Do I call it, or does it call me?

When I call does it hear me?

Or does it ring, and ring and ring?

Still, I ask, is it the service, or is it me.

Steven Bassett

This the phone number for a pay phone that once stood,

in the crossroads, in the middle of The Mojave Desert.

I am learning to live with uncertainty.  Do my children love me?  Where do I fit in the lives of my wife and children?  Is God really there and does he answer my prayers?  Have I lived the life God wanted me to live? Who are my large and righteous posterity? How do I hear his voice and follow his ways?

Levi Peterson's wife was a non-Mormon.  She asks him to raise their daughter in the LDS Church because his church was as good as any other maybe a little better.  She had the faith to believe The Doctrines of the Church would be beneficial to their daughter.  She was expressing a faith, if not a belief. 

Can I live with the uncertainty of my wife and children’s testimony of The Doctrines of the Church?  Can I overcome the guilt at not helping them to develop a stronger testimony of these doctrines?  Through our experiences helping their older brother to repent of some very serious sins, I have taught them well The Gospel of Jesus Christ.  They know how to repent. They know how to forgive and be forgiven.  I am most certain of this.  I see it in their eyes when I see their interactions with each other.

My children are adopted.  There is a good chance my adoption made their life possible.  When I see the pictures of my two children and their older brother laughing and having a good time, I know that I have made enough good choices to partially answer these questions. I have no certainty, but I have hope, for now, that is enough.  This uncertainty brings me great joy.

This I Believe

Steven Bassett

Bro. Gentry

Eng 106

23 May 2019

 This I believe

I believe in the power of commitment.  I can be driven by the power of commitment.  Its momentum can carry me through the many changes in my life’s circumstances and environment. "Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans." (John Lennon, Darling Boy)

When my wife and I were courting, we talked of family, babies, and taking care of our parents as they grow older.  We dreamed of the life and lives we would create together.  After marriage, the reality of life dissolved those dreams with the changed condition of our lives.  With my personal sterility and my wife infertility, our dreams of a family together were shattered.  Still, the commitment to those early goals never wavered.  My wife began a daycare center in our home, in hopes of diminishing the baby hunger she felt.  I dived into work and career to find a job to support our dream.  With time those pains of longing for a child of our own became bearable as we learned to care for nieces and nephews.  I think our life was good though it felt incomplete.  My wife's sister feeling this longing and desire of ours offered us the fruit of her womb.  Ashley was born and she fully met the conditions of this longing. This another step in our lives commitments fulfilled

My wife's mother was raising two grandchildren. These children offered additional solutions to meet our life’s plan. These cousins became her brother and sister; my wife and her mom raised these children as one family unit.  Life was good, I was grateful for the children we shared.  With time, my wife's sister again found herself pregnant. At first, she wanted this child for herself. She soon realized that raising him was not in his best interest. She offered us one more child.  Once Nicholas was born, it seemed so natural that he should be a part of our family, like God, intended him to be.  Soon my wife and her mom were raising four children as one family unit.  Things were not as we had planned at our courtship, they were better.  The momentum of our commitment carried us through this step too.  We met each challenge as it arrived.

The toughest part was cancer.  We learned early in our marriage of the cancer diagnosis.  We put it on the back burner and avoided its presence. Gastric Cancer is a slow burner, taking years to boil.  Occasionally I would inquire and my wife would inform me it was not a problem. The time came when it became a problem, with no solution. The next years were a time of increased anger and shame. In a desperate attempt to find a solution, we invited the gardener to grow an herbal solution. I had no faith in its ability to perform a miracle. Still, what did we have to lose? This commitment and its momentum carried us additional time. Thankfully the herbal recipe was a complete success and we are now in remission.

Now our children are nearly grown.  My daughter is married.  My son will soon get his driver’s license.  In a couple of years, he will be married.  Now our parents require more care.  She cares for her aging mom and I live with my dad during the week to guide his life and support his needs.  It seems strange this lifestyle my wife and I have chosen.  It was not the one we planned while courting, but it fulfills the commitment we made to ourselves and our families.  I call my wife every day to remind her how special she is to me.  I text her every morning as I go to work.  I share with her now, the poetry, I write.  It may not be the plan we made at first, but the power of our commitment carries us through the changes in our lives.  Our lives are full of joy.

On a need to simply my life

I Agree with A Pagan

Arnold Toynbee - London, England

“I believe there may be some things that some people may know for certain, but I also believe that these knowable things aren’t what matters most to any human being.”

I have spent the better part of my life soaking up information.  I have learned so much now that it is a great mish-mash of data scrambled in mind.  I have Asperger’s, a form of high functioning autism.  I am high functioning enough that you could not detect it unless you knew me well.  The greatest benefit is its greatest affliction.  I must continually feed my mind new information. I have gathered enough information that I am certain that gaining more knowledge does not lead to greater wisdom or happiness.

I wrote a motto for myself a number of years ago.  It is on the masthead of my website mymuzes.org  

“Real growth comes in the margins with rising levels of uncertainty.”

I am married to a woman of simple needs.  She needs a loving husband.  She needs children and she has a need for a place to plant flowers.  That is the one thing she requested, when we married, a place to plant flowers.

I have tried for years to get her to discuss Star Wars, or Star Trek, or John Milton.  She will have none of it.  She is completely uninterested in these subjects.   It has been a source of great friction between us leading to many angry conversations.

I am learning to simplify my life and belief.  My wife loves me.  My children are doing well.  I need to forgive and be grateful.

I don’t think I can stop my mind from acquiring new data.  I entertain myself at work by listening to podcast and audiobooks. I know that this is just a distraction and not real life.  Real life is cooking and cleaning and planting flowers.  Real life is visiting a friend or petting a puppy.

https://thisibelieve.org/essay/17053/

This then still, an update

This, then still

This, then still,

There he lies.

The stench of death,

It lingers by ...

It is the death, 

The one he has longed for.

Now I will rob him of the death,

the good death.

Soon will come the EMT, the ambulance too.

The stench of death to be removed,

from his room, as will he.

Doctors there will be, and hospitals too.

Soon, to be replaced,

By another room, in another place.

A living death, with a different smell.

The smell of nursing homes and people being stored.

The guilt than for the good death,

I robbed him of.

Grace and Mercy

We all carry the burden of sin.

You Offer Me Grace,
I will offer you Mercy.

Grace; is the space I need to grow from where I am now, to where he wants me to be.

Mercy; is the ability I will have to help carry your burden when I have grown stronger.

Facebook
May 9, 2015

Playing for the other team

She played for the other team now.

Why had it come to this,
screwed by every man,
She sleeped with.

First her brother when young.
Then another in high school.

Father blamed her for brother,
and little sister.

The day in court, his brother,
now in jail.

The family then, is broken.

So now she plays for the other team.

Will this, now, then be different.

A new cast of lovers, different team, same problem.

This new separation, and lack of intimacy.

Maybe now she can love herself.
Heal herself.

Then once more, real Intimacy?
With the one she loves.

Ode to the Poem

#1 Love Letter: Ode to the Poem

To my dear sweet poem

,

You are like a tiny seedling from a mighty pine tree, sitting fallow for years, on the forest 

floor, waiting for that majestic fire to set you free.

I wonder where you come from, little poem, this piece of magic, this gift from God.  You sat silent, for years at the center of my soul, bursting forth at that great fire, then at the coming death of the one I love and adore.

You were the first one to come to me, I never longed for you, as I longed for the birth of my children, yet here you are, my first creation. I was sitting on the back porch of our home when you first came to me. The family was sitting in the back, around the fire, enjoying a laugh or two. I struggled to see how I fit, into their world.  Always at work was I, seeking the funds to keep us afloat.

The gardener was returning joy to the ones, whose laughter I had not heard, in years. He had come, to produce the cure, an herbal recipe, growing in the garage.  I had no faith in the cure.   It was good to hear her laugh. Cancer would consume her soon but the children would be left with the memories from the gardener.  He had come to bring the cure, but joy supplied him also.

You came with your gift, lying fallow at the center of my soul.  It consoled me, supplied the strength to continue.  Years it would take to find my place, in their lives again.  The anger and guilt and shame came out in the poetry. First to Facebook and then to select close friends. Then to the one, I loved. This then to return to intimacy long lost. I am thankful for your gift, dear poem.

To Live with Death

He lives with death, Or is it life.

T'is life to love, this all it is.

He does it all, To come to this.

To this I come, Or do I leave

To leave and come, This life is all.

Steven Bassett

Wrote this in Aug 2015 in the midst of my wife’s cancer when we believed she was terminal.

I was born sterile; my children were both adopted and they are the light of my life.

On the Birth of Poetry

Like a tiny seedling from a mighty pine tree, it sat fallow for years, on the forest floor, waiting for that majestic fire to set it free.

He wondered where it came from, the poetry, never a desire of his was it. This magic, this gift from God.  It sat silent, for years at the center of his soul, bursting forth at that great fire, the coming death of the one he loved and adored.

The first one came sitting on the back porch of their home. The family was sitting in the back, around the fire. Enjoying a laugh or two. He struggled to see how he fit, in their world.  At work was he always, seeking the funds to keep them afloat.

The gardner was returning joy to the ones, who's laughter he had not heard, in years. It was good to hear her laugh. The cancer would consume her soon but the children would be left with the memories from the gardner.  He had come to bring the cure, but joy supplied he also. 

You came with your gift them. Laying fallow at the center of his soul.  It consoled him, supplied the strength to continue.  Years it would take to find his place, in their lives again.  The anger, and guilt and shame, came out in the poetry. First to Facebook and then to select close friends.  Then to the one he loved. This then to return to intimacy long lost. He then thankful for your discovery of the poetry.

On Delayed Intimacy

Why can he not,
fullfill, this one request.

The stubborn, refusal,
this one, thing,
years of intimacy, lost.

Does he not know,
I feel the loss, too.

He thinks not of my needs.
He thinks this is pain, I now inflict
To win, a battle of wills.

I fear more, for his loss,
our loss, if give in,
then do I,
as times, before.

Someday he will come to see,
my loss, our loss,
together.

I hope by then,
it is not, to late,
to recover, true intimacy.

on loving his wife.

He remembered why he loved her.
He remembered why she chose him.
The things that were special,
about them.

In remembering,
he sought forgiveness,
and warmth, and intimacy.

To rebuild and renew,
a life with the one he cherished. 

So grateful for the life,
she has renewed,
today, together.

The Last Lover

She, then this,
my lover be.

If not the first,
she then be?

Then ever such,
shall we see.

Then feed my soul,
thus will she.

Then this search,
this lifetime be.

No others lover's, 
then we see.

Then, thus the last,
we shall we be.

A poem Jose Christensen ask me to write for his wife.

Within it's shadow

He has lived within
it's shadow for nearly 55 years.

It was the first commenced,
and the last completed,
in the Utah Territory.

He has visited it grounds
many times.

Visiting the interior, only once,
for the marriage, of a family member.

These then visits to the exterior,
this, then continued,
for years.

Like yearly visits, to his soul.

Someday, to the interior,
he will go,
this, then to visit,
like yearly trips,
to his soul.

The First Loss - Together

Is a pain,
if cause not real,
less felt this day?

Their first loss come,
those first few months,
then twins she thought.

Deeply felt he the loss.

Not remember by now,
does she.

Yet deep in the journals,
are his thoughts, from that day.

Brother Bair, and the blessing,,
that day.

Years later, they would learn,
born not, able to create life,
was he, that day.

Still deeply felt he the loss,
that day.

Was the pain, and the loss,
felt that day, a gift,
from the one eternal,
who loves them, this day.

This he carries,
as an understanding,
to this day.

On Baby Fat

No baby fat, had she.

No stretch marks.

No signs of birth,
on her body that day.

Thus his brothers wife noticed,
on the beach, that summer day.

Jealous was she, this sister-in-law,
of her legs, that day.

Little could she know of his wife's desire,
for stretch marks and signs of birth,
on her body, that day.

The years of birth controls pills taken,
not to prevent birth, but to preserve,
the possibility, someday.

This life she has built,
my wife, this day.

Then with her mother, raised they
6 children, this day.

The two, from the handmaiden,
who loved them this day.

Then this desire,
for the fruits, of her womb,
was felt then, past days.

If you have them,
marks of birth, on your body,
this day.

Be grateful for the fruits,
of your womb, then, this day.

On Being Married to Martha

Martha was in the kitchen,
preparing the food.

Mary sat at Jesus feet,
learning the truths,
of the Gospel.

Mary studied the Gospel,
Martha lived it.

I am married to a Martha,
and Mary, then I be.

Dispointed am I,
that Milton discuss,
she will not.

Their are meals to prepare,
and a house to clean.

On those rare occasions,
it is finished,
an afagan she starts,
or a quilt she cuts out.

I knew she was Martha,
when I married her.

Then disappointed, why be I,
that Mary, she is not.

Remember I must,
why I chose her,
and she chose me.

Mary and Martha, one team
May we be.

Thru a glass darkly

We see through a glass, darkly .

This then a mirror,
of brass, not of glass.

This then, not a true, reflection,
of me.

If we marry someone who loves to swim is it fair to be unhappy they will not fly with us. Yes we grow together, but fish don't fly and birds don't swim. If you are a fish married to a bird, remember why you made that choice and be great full for the time you share together.

If I were you, Colin Raye

On the wedding

Here we sit,
in the church,

The Cultural Hall,
not the chapel.

We are Latter-Day Saints,
you see.

We marry, in the Temple,
or The Cultural Hall

This new life,
this new family,
has been, and is now.

They commence this journey,
together, this day.

My wife and I, this journey,
began together, a time ago.

Now the two, together,
plus two, began the journey
anew this day.

Let the cycle began, today,
and continue,
this now.

Devin, Tiffany  Lieshman wedding April 13 2019

When they married they had one son together and one son from a previous relationship.

Between the liquid and the solid

It began on that first day.

Delivery, from the canal.

The one, between,
the liquid, and the solid waste.

This then the human condition,
thus begins, anew.

Two Afghans

Their are two now,
afghans, on his bed.

One from one,
who, created his life.

The second from the one,
who shares it now.

Both now shelter his heart,
as they shelter, his sleep .

He seeks now to renew,
his place with each.

At one time , or another
he rejected both, afghans.

The first, too heavy,
Being double stich.

It was stored, by his wife,
and placed at the foot,
of their bed, in the winter.

The second, is similar to the one,
he rejected,
on that first Christmas,
together.

She made it for him,
on their many dates, that fall,
and winter.

Now to turn back the clock,
to shelter their two hearts,
as the afgans shelter him,
this day.

On the first night, together

It was their first night together,
as a couple.

It was a family hunting trip,
with his parents.

They shared separate sleeping bags,
together.

His brother, questioned,  their decision.

His brother, was enjoying the warmth,
of his sleeping bag,
with his new girlfriend.

Little did, his brother understand,
the nature,
of their future covenant's.

The promise of real intimacy,
if they kept that covenant.

The children that would come,
and their life together,
if they kept, their covenant.

On life Eternal, the coming day

She awakes in the morning,
to prepare for the coming day.

Husband, children
these always on her mind.

The coming projects,
and the ones past due.

These have been her life,
these past, coming years.

Now to be grateful for,
the continuation, of life.

This there was a time,
that may not be.

This then to be grateful for,
the comings days.

On the Gardener

He invited a gardner,
to plant a garden.

This then to renew, a life,
He adores.

The time for departure, comes soon
much too soon.

This then, the promise,
of renewal.

He lived with this dread,
this day, for decades.

The time of departure,
they thought not of, together.

Life was full, and this was future,
far future.

Then the bell does toll,
the time now comes.

Does he have the faith,
to trust in the gardener,
This, they will, then, see.

On living with Nada

There she is, at the family reunion.

Always present, though long gone.

She was missing, from, before I was born.

I have vague memories, of her children, from before, the separation.

I live with the trauma, and the tragedy, though not understanding, its cause.

My grandfather, Leo too, is gone, and Fred her brother.

These were long gone, before my birth.

They spoke often, of her, the aunts and uncles.

Young they were, when this loss, they experienced.

I suspect, PTSD, though undiagnosed,

runs ramped in the family,

Elnora, lost her mother, Lauretta, early in life,

Lauretta, choosing to take the last child, with her, in death.

These stories, of her, of them, I learn and share.

The house and apartment, built by Carl, her husband.

The first, to house the family. The second, to feed it.

How do I live with, the memories, of the ones?

I have never met.

On Prokaryote

"In the beginning, "
they were whole,
one, complete.

Then came the division,
when recognize, her, there,
He did not.

Prokaryote:  

Single cell lifeform, 

simple, whole and complete.

As a lifeform,
They share all.
No protective layer,
surrounding, their essence,

true intimacy.

Had the first ones,
Adam and Eve,
been Prokaryote?

"In the beginning, "
before the loss, of recognition,

and the division?

On Male PMS

He was the one,
in the family,
with PMS.

There, he spent,
the first morning, as a family,
on the bathroom floor,
the tears they did flow.

How many times, again,
had they flowed.

The loss of the first ones,
two she had said,
then a new family, they had been,
or so she concieved,
the loss, then real, or not,
then felt the same.

They were fighting, the morning,
when the first one did come.
and many days still, as one,
they become.

30 years past and the tears,
still flow, for him, for her, for them.

As now two separate homes,
they build together.

On the smell of new life, creation.

Let's make a baby, she said,
there on her waterbed.

This, then, installed last week,
when her things, they moved in.

She was the first,
and would remain, the one only,
to make such a request.

Her Dad had feared,
the roof would collapse,
on the family home,
when her trousseau,
She, removed.

It contained all,
the ingredients needed,
to create a family,
cept, a husband.

Thirty years, she waited,
for this day.

It was not the first night,
but second.

The first night,
a pajama night,
had been.

The temple wedding,
the reception, in Franklin,
with family, and friends.

These had taken,
all her energy,
that first night.

That first morning, he spent,
crying in the bathroom,
at this apartment.

She left,  the Family Breakfast,
early, to the temple,
with her best friend.

She thought,
she was offering,
a kindness.

He thought,
she preferred,
her best friend.

Then were the smells,
on the morning,
of the third day.

they awoke early,
to prepare for this
their new life,
together.

No time for a honeymoon.
That would never come.

He was needed,
at the repair shop.

She, a home,
to organize.

Coming home that night,
the apartment clean
a fridge with food,
dinner on the table,
and clean laundry.

These things,
his mom,
did not ...

these then, new smells,
then did surprise him,
that morn'.

Like the smell,
of the ice cream bucket,
in their friends truck,
containing the nauseous, contents
of a nights dinner.

The one held to celebrate,
the arrival of the couples,
first child, that next spring.

the smell of new love,
and stale sex.

like two moose,
rutting in the woods,
bringing new life, to the world.

or two socks,
sitting in the bottom,
of the hamper,
waiting to be renewed,
at next weeks laundry.

The gentle nibbling,
on her ear, as they sought,
to start, that new life,
together.

These are the smells,
that surprised him,
that second morning.

The large righteous, posterity,
God had promised him.

Create not together,
they would.

These babies would come,
from one, who loved, them all.

This, new source
a handmaiden, she would be.

In the Torah, a handmaiden,
is the one, to supply a new life,
when no life, create, the couple,
together.

Hagar, Ruth, and Mary,
such handmaidens,
had been to God
and the family.

In time, her sister,
then one, would be.

Still the smells, the next morn',
he would forget not.

The life, this then, they nurture,
together, this day.

On Coyote Sex

There he lay,
howling at the hole.

How had he driven, her.
To this place.

This lack of , intimacy.

Once young love,
they had been,
together, and apart.

The first time,
on the second day.

This nibbling,
On the ear.

This request is then,
To help, to make a baby.

This then request, had failed.

Then did come, the babies.
From one who luved them, all.

Then life gets , busy, complicated.

Then the cancer, and the anger and the loss, of real intimacy.

By then, much time, has passed.

Now begins the third marriage,
To the first wife.

Does he court her again?

Two homes they create, together,
Again.

The nightly phones calls.
The weekly visits,
To remind her again,
How valued, she is,
To him.

Now tobe, renewed,
intimacy.

This then, is his task.