Steven Bassett
Bro. Gentry
Eng 106
2 July 2019
My
Own Gethsemane
The
pain is not less for the loss of a possibility.
She escorted me to the bridal chamber. It had been my bedroom. It was
now ours. “Help me make a baby" she
had said, on the first time, on that second night. It began with the gentle
nibbling on her ear. She was the first to make this request. She will remain the last.
She
was my first, steady girlfriend, female kiss, and first female intimacy. I remember the scent the next morning, it was
somewhere between stale socks and the ice cream container a friend kept in her
truck, used to store the contents of her stomach. My friend experienced morning
sickness most of her pregnancy.
We were soon nestled in a home we purchased together. One night I learned, after coming home, we
were expecting twins. Then a priesthood
blessing she requested, she was losing the babies. I felt deeply this loss of our children.
When no further pregnancies occurred, she requested I
take a fertility test. The doctor found
no reason for infertility; my body had simply never created a sperm cell. I ask
myself how could this be? What of the
loss of the first two babies? Had not
God promised me a large righteous posterity. This lesson was a gift, the pain I
felt was real even when the babies were not.
This pain I can use as a gift to understand others' loss vicariously.
The
Jesus in the Garden is the Jehovah of the Torah. He learned of pain, sorrow,
and loss. His father had informed him about these things. Till the Garden of Gethsemane, he had not
experienced them. My mom taught me about losing her child. His name was Dana
Allen. He was born before he was ready
to thrive. Until this experience, I had been taught but did not understand the
pain from the loss of a child. This is an experience my Mom and I share, like
the one Jesus and his Father experienced in Gethsemane.
When
I visit with a mother, father or grandparent, who has lost a child, I
understand how Christ felt in The Garden of Gethsemane. How he took up my pain and suffering and
lifted the burden off my shoulders. I
know how it feels to lose a child. I
know how it feels to gain a child. I
have a hope in Christ that he will lift the burden of the first and enhance the
joy of the second; we both experienced our own Garden of Gethsemane. I hope
then to carry for a while the burden of their loss as Christ carried my burden
and as we all mourn the loss of our own possibilities.
With time a handmaiden
would provide us with two children. They
are both a real joy and a blessing.
These children have diminished but not removed the pain from the loss of
the first two children, even if those children were only a possibility.
My
children are mostly grown now. My
daughter is married and is experiencing her own infertility issues with her
husband. They have replaced their unborn
children with their family pets. I
understand their loss; I feel their pain.
I hope they find their own handmaiden someday.
