5 Kinds of Mormon
By Robert Kirby
With thirty years in the LDS Church (10 states and four countries). I think I am something of an expert on Mormons. Enough of an expert in fact to know that I'm going to catch hell for this. Here it is. In the entire world there are only five kinds of Mormons, basically.
The first kind of Mormon is the Liberal Mormon; this includes all Mormons who attend church only when they feel like it. Liberal Mormons anywhere to the left of the Republican Party, are not rabidly pro-life and don't think every word that falls from the lips of a General Authority represents the actual personal opinion of Jesus Christ. Liberal Mormons are going to hell. Just ask any of the other four kinds of Mormons. On the other hand Liberal Mormons think the intolerance and naive stupidity of other Mormons is more of a threat to mankind than Russian missiles, wheat weevils or 'R' rated movies.
After Liberal Mormons come Genuine Mormons. Nearly every Mormon thinks this is the kind of Mormon he is. In reality, Genuine Mormons are about as rare as, oh say, angels or golden plates. Genuine Mormons are unimpressed with themselves and their opinions. They are affable, easy going and keenly interested in the well being of others. They live various lifestyles and when compared to the more outlandish lifestyles of other Mormons, tend to be dang near invisible. A friend of mine says that this is because they have all been translated. He is wrong. My studies have proved there are only 11 Genuine Mormons on the face of the earth. Two of them live in Utah, three in the remainder of the United States, two in South America, one each in Japan, Canada, Samoa and Spain. There are no Genuine Mormons in California or Idaho. One doubles as a Liberal Mormon, of the remaining ten, four are the Three Nephites and John the Beloved.
The third kind of Mormon is the Conservative Mormon. These kinds of Mormon are the suit and flowered dress crowd you see at church. They tend to be a little overweight and Republican. They attend church 95% of the time but may, if pressed hard enough sleep through General Conference. They pay tithing on their net income and have 4.5 children. The homes of Conservative Mormon 's are decorated with Relief Society nick-knacks. Conservative Mormons humor Liberal Mormons because after all, they are God's children too. 75% of the LDS church is C.M. and 99% of all Conservative Mormons were born into the church.
Fourth are the Orthodox Mormons. Orthodox Mormons would not miss church for the death of a relative. Left to their own devices Orthodox Mormons would eventually make the bringing of dry cereal and Tupperware bowls to Sacrament Meeting a gospel ordinance. Orthodox Mormons have 7.8 children - not because they enjoy them but because somewhere it says that they should, and because even abstinence is an intolerable form of birth control. Orthodox Mormons are scared of Russians, MTV and accidentally partaking of the sacrament with their left hands. They believe Liberal Mormons are the children of the devil. Orthodox Mormons pay tithing based upon their gross income and believe Diet Coke is part of the Word of Wisdom.
Finally there are the Nazi Mormons. 10% of the LDS church is Nazi Mormon. Of that 10% 90% live in Utah and most within shouting distance of BYU. Nazi Mormons are prone to wild claims in testimony meeting about things which cannot be proven. Nazi Mormons claim Diet Coke is the same thing as heroin and heaven is a multi-level marketing system. Nazi Mormons always want to have private talks with you about either golden futures, alien landing strips or soap. Nazi Mormons believe French kissing is cause for excommunication, they routinely take the advice of General Authorities and even improve on it. If no single dating until 16 is good, no single dating until draft age is better. Nazi Mormons pay tithing on their gross income including the stuff they get from the Bishops Storehouse.
There you go. Remember, it is possible to fluctuate between levels. In truth one could find himself swayed from the Conservative Mormon level to the Orthodox Mormon level by a particularly powerful fireside speaker. This only applies to one-level jumps. A Liberal Mormon for example, could never drop four levels to Nazi Mormon.